Feelings

After reading my dear friend Tin's most recent blog post, and after answering quite a number of sad-ish questions on my Formspring, I realize that I rarely talk about personal affairs and feelings to anyone at all, not even on this blog. Metaphorically, it seems that I don't want people to see what's inside my soul; I don't want to be read. I wonder if this is because I was brought up this way, or I feel like sharing doesn't help, or I don't like being the subject of pity and concern? Or all three? I don't know.

Usually I describe myself as an extrovert. I like to talk. I've read a post about introversion on my friend Ren's tumblr, which said that introverts think smalltalk is useless. And well... all I ever do is smalltalk. I like to make people comfortable around me. I like to see others smile. In every conversation, I would always want the other to be the focus, and I would listen to his/her story and relate some of my experiences with it instead. And if it were my turn to tell a story, I would always choose trivial, happy matters to tell. Maybe I don't want to make my friend feel uncomfortable or unsure as to how to react. I like ONLY good vibes and happy times when with my friends, then ironically, that's what causes me to become somewhat distant from them.

I may seem all happy and shallow and gullible and dumb most of the time, but that doesn't mean I don't reflect about life and take things the hard way too. I always want to be around people in order to push those problems aside first. I don't want others to feel bad because of MY problems. By the way, I am a non-confrontational person, that's for sure. I always find a way around confronting people and problems head-on. Perhaps I'm being a coward for always running away. But thanks, Aimee, for telling me it's not true. I guess I have my own way of solving problems.

I think I have trust issues. I used to have the tightest circle of friends that was formed back in grade school. We grew up together. We've known each other since we were five. We knew all of each others' secrets. But slowly, one by one, those friends started to replace me with others. Yes, it's been confirmed to be true. One of them told me herself, that last day of exams week in fourth year high school, that she would rather hang out with her other friends, than with our group... right when all I ever did was to try to keep the group together throughout high school. It broke my heart. It really did. So I gave up.

And that's a completely different issue from my love life back then too.

There was only one person in that group who really stuck with me through those years. Thanks, Max. :)

I guess that explains why now, I refrain from 'investing' too much in friendship. "Friends come and go", eh? No, no. Please don't misunderstand. I don't take you for granted. Now I just take it less personally when a friend leaves. I'm still trying to understand myself, really, so please don't judge me because of this post. It's what I'm afraid of the most. And if you're starting to worry about me, here's one promise I will always keep: I'll be okay. :)

Thanks for reading this far. Thanks for caring. Really, truly... Thank you.